I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
