There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
