i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
