If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Randomize
