how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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