I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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