Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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