you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
