i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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