So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
it glows. i had to have it.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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