Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
