oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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