half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
