I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
