My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
