I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
