I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
