Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
