I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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