Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
