i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
