Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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