theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
