I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
bring money and cleavage
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
