here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
