I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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