update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
the day after is always just damage control
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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