So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
