So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
