we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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