I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
