There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
