I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
