Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
