Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i wish my penis had a tongue
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
