I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
