i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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