I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
