Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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