sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
