you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
