Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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