hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
