Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
babies were throwing up all over the place
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
