im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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