Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
