I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
