I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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