I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
