Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
