I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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